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Virtual reality sex? Who needs it when fifi is so easy?

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Some of us have been waiting for virtual reality sex ever since we saw that Aerosmith video for “Amazing” back in 1993. Robotic men’s sex toys like the RealTouch and the Autoblow have been getting us closer to that breakthrough for years, but they don’t quite reach full-on virtual reality sex territory. Japan is way ahead of us in that regard yet again, as we learned this week when the Illusion VR full-body virtual reality kit went on sale.

Illusion VR is a full-body masturbation suit from Tenga, a Japanese developer, to be used with the Oculus Rift virtual reality headset. Anyone who wears it will look sort of like a kinky scuba diver with a pair of bongos strapped to your torso, except that when you look closer you’ll see that the bongos are disembodied plastic boobs connected to an electronic “masturbation aid.” Through the use of stereoscopic head tracking and haptic feedback sensors, the kit makes it feel like you’re really in the video that you’re watching with the Oculus. The silly appearance of this suit made it the butt of many late-night comedy jokes.

We can’t claim to know what the Illusion VR feels like. For all we know, it’s any virtual reality sex aficionado’s fantasies come true. If it’s what you’re into, more power to you—the fifi team is all about having fun and doing whatever feels good as long as nobody gets hurt.

As for us, we’re obviously a lot more into a low-maintenance, low-tech male masturbator. We used to think we wanted virtual reality sex back when we first heard of VR, but sometimes the thing you desired all along turns out to be more than you really want. We might be biased (okay, we definitely are) but all we really want is a tight hole to fuck. Can you imagine how much work it takes to clean the Illusion VR suit when you’ve shot your load inside it? Do you hose it down and leave it hanging in the tub, or are you brave enough to hang it on a clothesline? It almost certainly can’t go in the washer and dryer, what with all the sensors. That’s a lot of expensive equipment to maintain, dude. Maybe we’re just lazy, but we’re also cheap.

If you’re as lazy and cheap as we are, embrace it. Get a fifi male masturbator and you’ll never have to worry about a sex toy that looks ridiculous or needs to be cleaned. You’ll just throw out the used disposable sleeve when you’re done, and you can set the fifi on your nightstand without anyone even knowing you use it for jerking off.

Get fifi here—it’s way better than your hand but much easier to own than a virtual reality sex suit!

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