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The sex-toy bank robber could have chilled with fifi.

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Did you hear the one about the bank robber who used a sex toy? This isn’t actually a joke, but a real criminal case in Allegheny County, Pennsylvania.

Last June, a 36-year-old man made a fake bomb using a sex toy, phone wires, and duct tape. He put on an Iron Man mask, entered a bank just west of Pittsburgh, and threatened bank tellers with his sex toy-based contraption. Now, according to The Associated Press, the sex-toy bank robber has just pleaded guilty to charges of robbery, making bomb threats, making a fake bomb, aggravated assault and four counts of reckless endangerment.

The man’s lawyer says that bad investments and his impending honeymoon drove him to desperate measures. He panicked and came up with the elaborate ploy, he got caught, and he went to jail. His fiancĂ©e married him anyway, but they still haven’t gone on that honeymoon—the judge revoked his bond. He won’t know his sentence until the end of May at the earliest.

We feel bad for the dude, and definitely feel even worse for the bank tellers, but maybe he if he had owned a good male masturbator, he would’ve used it for the powers of good instead. Masturbation won’t fix all of your problems, true, but it could be the one thing standing between you and a terrible decision. We don’t mean to make light of this man’s plight, but an orgasm can be remarkably calming. Maybe he wouldn’t have become known as the sex-toy bank robber if he had cleared his head long enough to think of a better way to solve his problems.

Don’t panic, masturbation fans. If you get yourself a fifi sex toy for men, you can at least forget your cares for as long as it takes you to roll up the disposable sleeve inside the fifi, do your business, and throw away the sleeve.

Get fifi here, and whatever you’re going through in life, we hope masturbation will help you see things more clearly. We know it works for us!

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