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Pumpkin spice sex toy, kinkier than coffee

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We’re up to our eyeballs in pumpkin spice everything, in case you hadn’t noticed. Every maker of just about every product goes overboard with the orange gourd during September through November, at least, with some spillage into the months before and after. If you’re not a fan of the sweet squash, it must be a tedious season: stores are full of pumpkin spice coffee, candy, baked goods, breakfast cereal, ice cream, alcohol, perfume, candles, skin care products, and beyond. We once saw an ad for a pumpkin spice massage special at a local spa, and not even the sexy kind. But it turns out there is such a thing as a pumpkin spice sex toy.

That’s right, we aren’t joking with that subject line. There have been real pumpkin spice sex toys on and off the market for years. Orange dildos and pumpkin spice-flavored lube have been actual things since at least 2007. The pumpkin spice condoms that made the rounds on the internet a few years ago aren’t real (yet), but the meme spread so far that Snopes decided to do a page debunking it, thus dashing the naughty dreams of soccer moms everywhere.

Some people out there take their love of pumpkin just a little bit farther than others. Enterprising souls have made sex toys out of real pumpkins by simply cutting open a lid for the gourd, cutting a hole into the lid, sticking a dildo into the hole, and replacing the lid. Then they ride the orange pony, so to speak.

But those are meant for people who want insertion. What about pumpkin “lovers” who want to do the inserting? Well, you could cut out a hole big enough for your dick and hump away to your heart’s content. If you leave in the pumpkin guts, it’ll feel pretty gross. You might question your own mental state while doing the nasty with a gourd, but dudes have fucked worse things out of desperation, let’s be honest. You have to wonder if those people get aroused every time they pass a pumpkin patch.

It’s so much easier to leave the poor squashes alone. Those of you with the old orange fifis can just pretend that you own a limited edition Pumpkin Spice fifi. Maybe buy yourself a new one in a different color and store the orange one until pumpkin spice season comes around? It beats the feelings of guilt you might feel subjecting a poor pumpkin to your perverse deeds.

We don’t make a pumpkin spice fifi, but if you want one in any of the five existing colors, get it here. It’ll be a hell of a lot less messy than fucking a pumpkin.