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No hairy palms with a fifi sex toy for men

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The past might look better in the rear view mirror, but masturbation wasn’t always looked upon as favorably as we here at fifi headquarters think it should have been. As we say goodbye to the old year, let’s point and laugh at some of the old myths about the so-called “dangers” of male masturbation.

Authority figures told us unbelievable horror stories in a futile attempt to keep us from playing with ourselves. Everyone would know that we were perverts when they saw our hairy palms (apparently we wouldn’t just shave them if this one came true). The one about going blind from masturbating was scarier, but still ridiculous. Other killjoys decided to say that “self-abuse” would give us diseases or drive us insane.

Even those who believed those stories would know that orgasms feel too good not to take a chance. But those warnings paled in comparison to some dudes in the 19th and early 20th centuries who obviously needed to jerk off so they could calm down and stop trying to ruin fun.

A 19th-century Presbyterian minister named Rev. Sylvester Graham believed that a vegetarian diet could make men stop pulling the pork, and his recipe for graham bread later became the graham cracker. Later in the same century, Dr. John Harvey Kellogg decided that he could improve upon Rev. Graham’s failure to numb men’s urges and prescribed a bland diet, including the corn flakes that bore his name. But Kellogg took it even further, recommending circumcision to curb male erections.

In 1904, Dr. William H. Walling wrote an anti-masturbation, anti-sex, anti-fun book titled Sexology in which he claimed that onanism—a technical term for jerking off—was a “shameful and criminal act” that was “the most fatal of all vices.” Walling didn’t believe in sex for pleasure.

Sounds like those guys were even more obsessed with preventing sex and orgasms than most guys are with having them.

But you, Horny Reader, are too smart for those anti-masturbation crusaders. You know that getting off is always fun, whether you’re fucking a partner or your fist or a male masturbator. Get fifi and experience the most fun you can have with a men’s sex toy. Say goodbye to the sexually repressed days of old, and enjoy yourself!