Would you buy the most expensive sex toys?
We’re in a golden age of sex toys right now. Whether you’re fucking a plastic bag filled with lube or buying the most expensive sex toys ever made, you have to admit we’ve got it better than the ancient horn dogs with their leather or wood dildos, and the sex dolls made of cloth. Even kings and queens throughout history never had it so good, because they never had a dildo made of platinum and precious jewels. Would you buy any of these masturbation devices, if money were no object?
Inez Vibrator by Lelo, $15,000
These days you can spend $15,000 on a solid gold vibrator called the Inez, like Jay-Z and Beyonce did in the days before LEMONADE. Lelo, the manufacturer of this toy that costs as much as a decent down payment on a small house, says that it engraved “I love you” in Russian on an Inez vibrator for a prominent Russian businessman. Inez is also available in stainless steel for about half the price… you know, for those of you who are on a budget.
Victor Phantasm, $54,093
Oh, but that’s small change compared to the Victor Phantasm vibrator made of white gold and diamonds. It’s no longer available, but it was the ideal sex toy for romantic-minded sweethearts: it came with an 18-karat white gold and diamond ring connecting the two halves. It sort of looked like a bowling pin. Who else but an elite Parisian jeweler would have designed such a luxurious sex toy?
JCobra Ring by Velv’Or, $65,988
You could buy one Tesla Model 3 with cash and have enough left over to cover most of the cost of a second one, or you could buy an ergonomically bent golden cock ring that promises you harder erections and more powerful orgasms. It’s called the JCobra Ring and it claims to massage the perineum (taint) whilst stimulating the first chakra. You can get it with a pearl or diamonds or just go for the minimalist look of gem-free gold.
The Royal Pearl by Colin Burn, $1,000,000
Some people have a lot more money than they will ever spend, and rather than donate it to charity or buy another sports car, they decide they fancy a platinum dildo encrusted with sapphires, pearls, and more than a thousand diamonds. The top of it looks like a crown that can be worn as a pendant. Are there women out there who would wear it? We don’t know any, but then we also don’t know anybody who could afford it. When you have this much money, sometimes you just buy things simply because you can. We just hope this is the best masturbatory experience of a woman’s life.
…Or get a fifi, the economy model male masturbator, $24.95
Instead of buying one of the most expensive sex toys in the world, you could just go without a few days’ worth of Starbucks and buy yourself a fifi men’s sex toy, some disposable sleeves, and some lube. It’s way better than your hand and you won’t kick yourself for blowing your entire salary.Back