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Medals for masturbation as an athletic event

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We professional masturbators here at fifi headquarters like to think that if the global athletic competition that is currently being held in the southern hemisphere (hey, we don’t want to get sued) had a sexual equivalent, then there would be events for masturbation. We’re thinking medals for stamina and speed would be the most obvious.

Also, we’re pretty sure that if masturbation could be an official sporting event complete with medals and ceremonies and all of that hullabaloo, then we would win all the awards. We’ve been doing a lot of practicing. (It’s hard work, with emphasis on “hard,” but jacking off is a major part of our job. Aren’t you jealous?) We’re well trained.

Some of us would compete in stamina contests, because they masturbate several times a day and can hold it back for a long time. It’s called edging and you should try it, because when you finally blow it’s a huge release.

Others are more into speed. Those are the ones who don’t have a lot of time, so they jack off to completion in record time.

And then there are those of us who are trained to go the distance. Those are the guys who own a furfi. They want the plush texture because it just feels incredible, but they don’t want to mess up that plush pelt, so they have timed it perfectly: they crank off, they yank the furfi off just in time, and then they see how far away they can aim. (Any of you ladies reading this should probably know by now that guys can be pretty disgusting. Guys who do this trick are the same guys who like to write our names in the snow with our pee.)

If you want to start training for a medal in masturbation, get your own fifi here.

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