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“I’d stick my dick in it!”

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“You want me to stick my dick in what?”

We all know men are really not that picky when it comes to sticking their dick in things. How else would you explain that old urban legend about how good it feels to fuck a warm apple pie? Well, we have a drinking buddy, we’ll just call him Jack Offerman, who has agreed to give us his opinion on whether he’d like to stick his dick in various things.

Fancy hairdryer

The Dyson hairdryer that just came out costs $400, but we’ve already heard guys on the internet talking about sticking their dick in it. We… think they were joking, but we thought we’d ask Jack what he thought.

“It does kind of look like some elaborate cock ring, the kind that vibrates. You said it costs four hundred bucks, eh? That would be the most expensive sex toy I’ve ever heard of that doesn’t come custom-made in the shape of a woman. But why would you bother? I don’t want to burn my most sensitive parts. Dry, hot air just doesn’t turn me on. I wouldn’t stick my dick in that no matter how horny I got.”

Between the mattress and the box spring

“Yeah, I had a roommate who swore up and down that inserting lubed-up bubble wrap between the mattress and box spring was the next best thing to fucking a woman. I think he was full of it. That is way too much work and I wouldn’t stick my dick in it. I’ve never been quite that bored with my hand. I’m not trying to throw my back out just to cum.”


“No, I wouldn’t stick my dick in there because the texture is all wrong. I think anybody who would cut a hole in a watermelon and fuck it has probably never eaten watermelon.┬áIt would be too firm and rough, but sure, it’s wet. You could probably get it warm if you left it in the sun for a while. If a warm, wet hole is what you’re looking for, you could just jack off with a cream-filled doughnut.”

Cream-filled doughnut

“Now you’re just fucking with me.”

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“Oh, this is like those homemade pocket pussies that dudes in prison make. Don’t ask me how I know that. Yeah, I would stick my dick in that for sure. I did just last night, but it was one that I made myself. I’d rather have one that was pre-made so I don’t have to go through the extra steps, so I’ll buy one of these.”

Horny guys do like to stick their dicks in some crazy things, but we think we’ll stick with our trusty fifi male masturbator, just like our buddy Jack Offerman.