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Girlfriend to the rescue: true tales of the fifi

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On the drive home from work, you suddenly remember last Sunday, when you happened to catch your girlfriend mid-Downward Dog in her yoga pants. They fit her like skin and show off that yoga butt, those yoga thighs, those yoga calves… damn, you love yoga. You could watch it all day.

It’s Friday and you’re hornier than usual. Maybe you’ll find her doing yoga when you get home. Sitting at a stop light two blocks from your house, you adjust yourself in your pants.

Your girlfriend’s car is already in the driveway, so you rush inside. She’s nowhere to be seen, so you check every room. And then…

In bed, your girlfriend is huddled under the covers with an ice pack on her head. When she gets a headache, she’s out for a day or more. Your immediate reaction, which you’ll never admit, is selfish disappointment. You can almost feel your boner cry. Tonight’s choices: a sneaky shower wank or falling asleep frustrated. No, you’re going to need some blue ball relief but you’ll figure that out later. You push past your disappointment.

“Oh no, babe,” you say. “Can I get you anything?”

Your girlfriend mumbles something from under the blanket.

“What’s that?”

She tugs the blanket down to uncover her mouth. “Look on the nightstand.”

There sits what looks like a black wine cozy, rolled up with no bottle in it. You know it’s a men’s sex toy, but you must play it cool. The thought of her knowing that you masturbate makes your stomach flop. She does have the Internet too, after all. You can’t hide the existence of male masturbators forever.

“Do you know how to use it?”

Is this a test? “Um, no,” you lie.

“Oh come on, even I know about the fifi. It’s okay, you don’t need to lie.”

You wait, not knowing what you can safely say.

“It was supposed to be your birthday present,” your girlfriend says. “I heard about this thing and I thought you’d get a kick out of having one, so I decided to buy a fifi. I’m obviously not having sex tonight, so… have fun. Let me know how you like it. Just… not in here while I’m trying to sleep. I’m sure you’ve got some good porn on your computer.”

How did you get so lucky, you schmuck?

“Babe, you’re the best girlfriend in the world.”