Or, how my sister gave her husband a Fifi instead of a divorce.
Recently my dearly naive sister engaged in a series of events that nearly destroyed her 17 year-long marriage to her high school sweetheart. To her credit, my brother-in-law, we’ll call him Henry, has a substantial record for getting caught jerking off. A few years ago I remember my (brace yourself) mother finding his cock ring in the shower, picking it up, waving it around my face, and intensely asking what it was. That conversation is the reason I have a drinking problem, but that is another story for another day.
Flash forward a few years, two kids, and conflicting work schedules later, my sister, we’ll call her Liza, quickly found herself in an all-too-common, yet not-so-often discussed, marital sex rut. On the bright side, this provided me a glorious opportunity to feed her Xanax and wine and bask in the fleeting moment in which my life wasn’t currently the most fucked up in my family for once. On the down-side, her dry spell quickly snowballed into a plague of insecurity, suspicion, and doubt. I clearly remember the hysterical phone call in which she revealed she had just found condoms in her (sterile) husband’s truck. Rather than reach for the tequila and blackmail like I would have, my oh-so patient sister sat on this information longer than humanly POSSIBLE. By the end of the week, I remember harassing her consistently for updates, starting to feel as though I had been cheated on! No confrontation. No emotion. Just catatonic nothing. I suppose looking back she was in shock and probably didn’t even know how to react.
Regardless, there must be some truth to the notion that the calm, quiet ones are also the ones to watch out for, because my straight-laced, perfect, and utterly faithful sister ultimately decided to seek out her long unrequited sexual desires from-ahem-Henry’s best friend. Although this very brief affair of sorts took place all via phone-sex and some very encouraged dick-pics, the damage of actual, physical cheating still seemed to have permeated Liza and Henry’s relationship and cast its ugly shadow on their marriage just the same. As if that wasn’t bad enough, it turns out poor sweet Henry was in fact NOT cheating on my sister, but simply jerking off in the only damn quiet place he could and was (quite brilliantly actually) using condoms to prevent chaffing, and…well…cleanup.
Fast-forward again to six months of intensive couples counseling and several “I feel” statements later, my sweet Liza and Henry are once again in the throes of young, uninhibited love. Aka, they are all over each other all the time and it’s getting a little nauseating to be honest. How? Why? I was just starting to be Mom’s favorite. Ughh.
Moral of the story-or perhaps more appropriately, the climax of this story, is that through counseling, my sister and brother-in-law discovered that they both had been seeking out separately, something they were yearning for mutually. (Awww right?)
More ironic yet, it turns out my Liza really enjoys watching Henry do his, ahem, business. Instead of hiding it from her, he now uses it as their mutually favorite form of foreplay. Most recently, she even went as far as to purchase him a Fifi. Basically same idea as the condom trick, no fuss clean-up, but apparently with MUCH better stimulation and can be used on him by him or on him by her. Yes, I really do know this much about my sister’s sex life, yes I think it’s strange too, I told you, I drink often. Anyway, in very much of an if-you-like-pina-coladas-sort of way, dear sweet Liza and Henry turned their attempts to get off into an endless tirade of getting each other off.
I suppose in the end everyone got their happy ending (pun intended). My sister saved her marriage with a cock sleeve, and I got drunk and used the remainder of a hand-me-down pack of condoms to hook up with my hot next-door neighbor. Win/win.
Awkward as it may sound, apparently Liza and Henry are not alone in their bedroom endeavors. The common consensus between almost all of my friends-single and married- is that the introduction of his and her sex toys into the bedroom ALWAYS has added spice at the worst, and in the case of Liza and Henry, even been credited with the reconstruction of marriages at best. The jury is out: Invest in your relationship by investing in sex toys, and NEVER ever, under ANY circumstances, leave any of them in the shower if you still live with your in-laws.Back