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Avoid a bad first date with a fifi male masturbator

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In the age of Tinder, it seems there are more bad first date horror stories than ever. We love reading the really tragic ones that didn’t happen to us, but some of them make you want to stay home and develop a long-term relationship with your fifi men’s sex toy!

Our favorite bad first date story came from a friend we’ll call Meg. The day Meg was supposed to go for coffee with a guy she had only talked to online (let’s call him Bob), he texted her to say he was in the hospital. He said he’d explain in person.

An adventurous soul, Meg couldn’t resist the thought of a first date in a hospital. When she got to Bob’s room, he said he’d deliberately overdosed on painkillers and had to get his stomach pumped. Bob said he didn’t want to die, just get back at his wife for demanding a divorce. Before Meg could escape this vortex of drama, Bob asked if she’d date him so he could get back at his wife for having an affair. Just as Meg was about to bail, the wife showed up with their kid, screaming at Meg and demanding to know what she was doing in her husband’s room. Bob told his wife that Meg was his new girlfriend. Meg barely made it out of there without ending up on Jerry Springer! She had to block Bob’s number because he wouldn’t leave her alone. No other bad date story we’ve heard has sounded so much like a bad comedy.

Another guy on a message board we read said he whipped it out in a movie theater and demanded a blowjob on a first date. Then he didn’t understand why she dumped her drink on his head and walked out. We think this dude needs to use a fifi and calm down before he goes on a date.

Then there was the guy who thought it would be fun to take a girl he’d never met before on a first date to Chuck E. Cheese. Either he’s stupid or he’s a mad genius who decided the experience would break her biological clock and throw it out the window. Maybe try a mini golf course next time, dude.

We tell our single friends all the time: Don’t take a first date to Hooters. Don’t take her to a strip club. If you’re surrounded by hot waitresses, don’t hit on them in front of your date. There’s a reason all these guys go home to their fifi and masturbate themselves to sleep after a bad first date. But hey, fifi is better than their hand!

Don’t waste all that horniness. Get your own fifi sex toy for men, so that even your worst dates can have a happy ending.